All of you, kind readers, are too kind. I really never like to come across as a whiner and frankly, we haven't been trying that hard (or for that long) for baby #2. It's just difficult to feel the discomfort and unease that comes with yet more unpredictability and the lingering shadows of IF. I just keep feeling like the clock is ticking and we're stuck in a holding pattern of waiting for the two-week wait and it's maddening.
I'm sure there is a way that I could be more proactive. Either with fertility monitors or ovulation predictor kits or even moving toward weaning my now 20-month-old daughter. But. Our struggle with unexplained IF in the first go-around took a good 14 months of my life and left me feeling frustrated and out of control. The ability to successfully breastfeed felt like a gift that my daughter and I were given. And at 12 months of age, when I had been toying with the idea of mother-led weaning, she was so attached to the breast that I realized I couldn't take that away from her. Frankly, if she's the only child we're lucky enough to have in this lifetime, then I don't want to look back and say, "If only I had known then that weaning wouldn't bring us another child, I sure wouldn't have done it when I did." Hence Operation Weaning was put on hold indefinitely.
Now of course I realize that it's theoretically possible to get pregnant while breastfeeding (and before your period even returns) I just don't see us in that situation. Call me jaded. I sort of think I've got reason to be. Things could have been a lot worse in our first go-around, but they sure could have been a whole lot better too.
For now, I'm doing my best to remain patient.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Second time around
It's no easier than the first. It's different - but no easier. The waiting and wondering and hoping and just generally wanting to cry because it's taking much longer than I ever anticipated.
I had to come back here to blog because the constant obsessing about egg white cervical mucus, etc. is really not what my other blog was meant to be about, and yet it's starting to feel like I can't get past this compulsion to blog about IF and what a pain in the a$$ it can be. The newest wrinkle this time around, as we try for baby #2 is that I'm still not apparently ovulating. I've been breastfeeding for 20 months with zero sign of a period. That's not entirely true as I've been having cramping (some mild, some not so mild) on and off for several months. On more than one occasion I've said, "This must be it." Nope. I'm hormonal and upset and I've been having very PMS-like emotional roller coaster rides. Still nothing.
And now, for the past couple of days I've had an abundance of EWCM. This afternoon I thought I'd hit up Gboy to take advantage of the situation but he was napping and rather than just wake him, I got really, really pissed. Annoyed beyond belief. Weirdly and wackily disturbed and yes- hormonal - in a way that only PMS usually causes me to be. I just couldn't believe that he had the nerve to nap for an hour on a weekend! Um. We have no plans per se and he couldn't possibly know that I'd suddenly find EWCM after months of not even a hint of ovulation or fertility.
But. After not trying to prevent any pregnancy for the last 9 months, I hate to say that maybe breastfeeding really is just about the most powerful birth control ever. Or else we're back to square one with the crap sperm analysis and "lucky to have gotten pregnant on our own" kind of situation.
I'm just tired of all the freaking waiting around. I'm sad that we're back here again, in a place where we have no idea what's even going on and keeping us from having the family we want.
I guess this is my way of saying, stay tuned for more...
I had to come back here to blog because the constant obsessing about egg white cervical mucus, etc. is really not what my other blog was meant to be about, and yet it's starting to feel like I can't get past this compulsion to blog about IF and what a pain in the a$$ it can be. The newest wrinkle this time around, as we try for baby #2 is that I'm still not apparently ovulating. I've been breastfeeding for 20 months with zero sign of a period. That's not entirely true as I've been having cramping (some mild, some not so mild) on and off for several months. On more than one occasion I've said, "This must be it." Nope. I'm hormonal and upset and I've been having very PMS-like emotional roller coaster rides. Still nothing.
And now, for the past couple of days I've had an abundance of EWCM. This afternoon I thought I'd hit up Gboy to take advantage of the situation but he was napping and rather than just wake him, I got really, really pissed. Annoyed beyond belief. Weirdly and wackily disturbed and yes- hormonal - in a way that only PMS usually causes me to be. I just couldn't believe that he had the nerve to nap for an hour on a weekend! Um. We have no plans per se and he couldn't possibly know that I'd suddenly find EWCM after months of not even a hint of ovulation or fertility.
But. After not trying to prevent any pregnancy for the last 9 months, I hate to say that maybe breastfeeding really is just about the most powerful birth control ever. Or else we're back to square one with the crap sperm analysis and "lucky to have gotten pregnant on our own" kind of situation.
I'm just tired of all the freaking waiting around. I'm sad that we're back here again, in a place where we have no idea what's even going on and keeping us from having the family we want.
I guess this is my way of saying, stay tuned for more...
Friday, December 19, 2008
Moving day
Wow. According to my Sitemeter reports, quite a number of people still stop by here. Personally I get terribly frustrated with defunct blogs and seemingly inactive blogs when I find them for the first time, so I thought I'd do an update for anyone who might stumble by here.
I initially started this blog as an outlet when getting pregnant seemed to be taking longer than anticipated and I just felt like something was wrong and everyone else around us seemed to have no trouble at all getting pregnant (I've since learned that appearances can be deceiving). I'd already endured a lot of the waiting and frustration before I ever got around to doing any blogging, and it actually didn't take us all that much longer to get pregnant after I started writing. The result is that this blog is fairly short. Once I got pregnant and had the baby, it just seemed too hard to talk about everything. I couldn't make sense of where I was at mentally. I couldn't figure out how to move from being "infertile" to "mother" all in the same space. Thus, after I'd been a mom for a while and needed space to vent again, I started a new blog.
I realize now that my personality isn't compartmentalized that easily. There's still a part of me that's dealing with the experience of our infertility and how we moved through it. That time in my life changed me. And even now as we discuss the possibility of another child and how to make that happen, it all comes back. In addition, I'm still learning to be a parent. Incorporating "mom" as one of the labels that defines me didn't happen over night and I'm working hard at making it fit me just right. Finally our family has undergone some other major transitions (i.e. a move to Japan that may or may not be long-term) and I'm trying to cope with that as well.
All in all, I realized that my next blog HAD to be able to allow me the space to talk about any and all of this. If you're interested in seeing what I'm up to these days, you can find me here. Best of luck on your journey wherever it may take you.
I initially started this blog as an outlet when getting pregnant seemed to be taking longer than anticipated and I just felt like something was wrong and everyone else around us seemed to have no trouble at all getting pregnant (I've since learned that appearances can be deceiving). I'd already endured a lot of the waiting and frustration before I ever got around to doing any blogging, and it actually didn't take us all that much longer to get pregnant after I started writing. The result is that this blog is fairly short. Once I got pregnant and had the baby, it just seemed too hard to talk about everything. I couldn't make sense of where I was at mentally. I couldn't figure out how to move from being "infertile" to "mother" all in the same space. Thus, after I'd been a mom for a while and needed space to vent again, I started a new blog.
I realize now that my personality isn't compartmentalized that easily. There's still a part of me that's dealing with the experience of our infertility and how we moved through it. That time in my life changed me. And even now as we discuss the possibility of another child and how to make that happen, it all comes back. In addition, I'm still learning to be a parent. Incorporating "mom" as one of the labels that defines me didn't happen over night and I'm working hard at making it fit me just right. Finally our family has undergone some other major transitions (i.e. a move to Japan that may or may not be long-term) and I'm trying to cope with that as well.
All in all, I realized that my next blog HAD to be able to allow me the space to talk about any and all of this. If you're interested in seeing what I'm up to these days, you can find me here. Best of luck on your journey wherever it may take you.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Post-script
Babies mentioned....
After all this time, it seems a little anti-climactic to revisit this blog, but it also seems right to close the loop and provide some kind of closure, at least temporarily. On January 24th little Sophie finally made her appearance. Gboy and I are over the moon; she's positively the most adorable child either of us has ever seen. I cried when she was finally delivered and he announced that we had a girl (since we still had no clue about the baby's gender). And it was the next day in the hospital that it hit me. We finally had a baby of our own. For the previous 41 weeks I had never really thought of the little squirmy being inside of me as a baby. Maybe it was some kind of self-defense mechanism, but I just couldn't quite make the connection. And as I lay there in the hospital bed looking at her, that's when it hit me - we finally had a real live baby. And her health couldn't be better. And she couldn't be cuter if you ask me. Suddenly all the waiting and anxiety and frustration and disappointment seemed worth it, or at least seemed more tolerable considering the outcome - a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.
Thanks for all the support and for being here. I still worry about what will happen the next time around (we'd like at least two kids). But for now, we have the best possible situation for the three of us and for that I'm grateful.
After all this time, it seems a little anti-climactic to revisit this blog, but it also seems right to close the loop and provide some kind of closure, at least temporarily. On January 24th little Sophie finally made her appearance. Gboy and I are over the moon; she's positively the most adorable child either of us has ever seen. I cried when she was finally delivered and he announced that we had a girl (since we still had no clue about the baby's gender). And it was the next day in the hospital that it hit me. We finally had a baby of our own. For the previous 41 weeks I had never really thought of the little squirmy being inside of me as a baby. Maybe it was some kind of self-defense mechanism, but I just couldn't quite make the connection. And as I lay there in the hospital bed looking at her, that's when it hit me - we finally had a real live baby. And her health couldn't be better. And she couldn't be cuter if you ask me. Suddenly all the waiting and anxiety and frustration and disappointment seemed worth it, or at least seemed more tolerable considering the outcome - a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.
Thanks for all the support and for being here. I still worry about what will happen the next time around (we'd like at least two kids). But for now, we have the best possible situation for the three of us and for that I'm grateful.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Temporarily out of service?
Because I cannot stand broken links and abandoned blogs etc. I feel like I should post something here explaining that I haven't been abducted by aliens, nor has tragedy struck. Instead, I've been...suffering from writer's block more than anything. Although I suppose even that has been colored by my inability to describe my own feelings and experiences. Pregnancy hasn't been at all what I expected. And I just haven't been able to articulate the experience as well as I would like. For that matter, I can hardly describe it to myself. I had intended to journal more about the experience, for personal reasons, but even that has failed me. In the end, I can happily report that I'm 25 weeks pregnant and feeling pretty good. The ultrasound shows all good things so the fact that the technician couldn't tell us if we're having a boy or girl no longer seems to matter. For now, we've got everything we could hope for and that's enough.
I don't know if I'll be back to writing and blogging. I suspect only time will tell. In the meantime, I've found it's enough for me to read what you all are saying and to keep up with all the Stirrup Queens out there.
I don't know if I'll be back to writing and blogging. I suspect only time will tell. In the meantime, I've found it's enough for me to read what you all are saying and to keep up with all the Stirrup Queens out there.
Friday, July 6, 2007
How to break the news
This is what I spent weeks agonizing over - how do I tell people I'm pregnant? It seems inauthentic to go the whole "we're so excited and happy" route without qualifying it for people who don't know how we spent the 14 months prior to conception (and that's pretty much the whole world). Why should I have to gloss over the harsh reality to make others feel better and what if there's someone who really needs to hear the reality of our story? Suddenly the pomegranate bracelets and the whole philosophy of showing support for others meant so much more to me.
When I thought about how to tell my oldest and best girlfriends from high school, many of whom I've known since elementary school, I couldn't figure out how to approach it. We usually all get together to see each other once every year or every other year and we've all stayed in contact via e-mail despite being flung to various parts of the US. Two of the gals aren't in any kind of long-term relationship and as far as I know, kids aren't an immediate concern for either of them, but that doesn't mean it won't be someday. Four of us are married, two of the married friends have one daughter each. One of these married friends doesn't have any children - maybe her childlfree lifestyle after 6 years of marriage isn't by choice as much as it is due to infertility issues. As for the two women with kids, one of the gals had her daughter in December of 2005 and the other had her daughter in April 2006 but I never really heard how easy or hard it was for them to do so. In the end, I really didn't want to make any assumptions about the past or futures of any of these dear friends.
I finally decided that as a kind of "public service" (I know that may be presumptuous and obnoxious) I could announce our pregnancy but then qualify it by saying it took us a long time and to briefly describe the challenges and how frustrating infertility and the associated isolation can be. I explained that since the topic is so often taboo and I've never known anyone in "real life" who's told me of their personal struggles with infertility, that if they know anyone affected by infertility, they should feel free to pass along my email. I figured either I could be a sounding board, or I could easily point someone in the direction of all of you and your amazing collective wisdom and compassion.
Wouldn't you know, bright and early the very next morning I got a response from my oldest friend in the world (one of the unmarried gals) and it was so compassionate and understanding that I couldn't understand why I never spoke to her on the phone about all of this. Her sister had a couple of miscarriages and my friend understood that trying to start a family isn't always easy. She obviously recognized how emotionally painful the process can be for each individual and that having a friend support you is so important. For future reference, I know I can absolutely count on her, and I'm a little ashamed I thought she might not get it, or that I didn't think she would want to talk to me about this issue despite her different place in life.
Two days after I sent out my message (the holiday intervened) I got another message from my second oldest friend in the world (she had her daughter in 2005) who said how ironic it was to receive my email when she was having such a bad day largely due to the fact that she and her husband have been struggling with secondary infertility for over 16 months now. Getting pregnant the first time around wasn't a walk in the park, but in the end, it "only" took them 8 months, and this time around has been much harder with more complications. And here I might have thought it was easy for them to get pregnant the first time and that they were simply waiting for a second child because they weren't quite ready.
I was unbelievably touched that she reached out to me in return because there is something so gratifying about being able to be there for someone else instead of always feeling like I'm the one who needs the support and as though I'm all alone. It was also the first time I really felt like people I know in real life have understood me. (Okay, so my sister has totally been understanding and my major source of support but I almost take that for granted since she's the most amazing person and that's just what she does and it's what I expect from a sibling. But she's also the only person I've really felt comfortable confiding in up until now.)
A third friend wrote to me just today to tell me that she's had two very close friends go through very different experiences with infertility and had she known she would have happily put me in touch with both of them.
Basically this experience has shown me the value of opening up and sharing this experience at least with the people I care about because when they come through, they can come through in a BIG way. And in the end, I want to keep paying it forward. The kindness and support that I've found out here in the blogosphere has given me the courage to talk about this with more people and to spread the word that none of us is ever alone.
It's time for me to get some pomegranate-colored thread.
When I thought about how to tell my oldest and best girlfriends from high school, many of whom I've known since elementary school, I couldn't figure out how to approach it. We usually all get together to see each other once every year or every other year and we've all stayed in contact via e-mail despite being flung to various parts of the US. Two of the gals aren't in any kind of long-term relationship and as far as I know, kids aren't an immediate concern for either of them, but that doesn't mean it won't be someday. Four of us are married, two of the married friends have one daughter each. One of these married friends doesn't have any children - maybe her childlfree lifestyle after 6 years of marriage isn't by choice as much as it is due to infertility issues. As for the two women with kids, one of the gals had her daughter in December of 2005 and the other had her daughter in April 2006 but I never really heard how easy or hard it was for them to do so. In the end, I really didn't want to make any assumptions about the past or futures of any of these dear friends.
I finally decided that as a kind of "public service" (I know that may be presumptuous and obnoxious) I could announce our pregnancy but then qualify it by saying it took us a long time and to briefly describe the challenges and how frustrating infertility and the associated isolation can be. I explained that since the topic is so often taboo and I've never known anyone in "real life" who's told me of their personal struggles with infertility, that if they know anyone affected by infertility, they should feel free to pass along my email. I figured either I could be a sounding board, or I could easily point someone in the direction of all of you and your amazing collective wisdom and compassion.
Wouldn't you know, bright and early the very next morning I got a response from my oldest friend in the world (one of the unmarried gals) and it was so compassionate and understanding that I couldn't understand why I never spoke to her on the phone about all of this. Her sister had a couple of miscarriages and my friend understood that trying to start a family isn't always easy. She obviously recognized how emotionally painful the process can be for each individual and that having a friend support you is so important. For future reference, I know I can absolutely count on her, and I'm a little ashamed I thought she might not get it, or that I didn't think she would want to talk to me about this issue despite her different place in life.
Two days after I sent out my message (the holiday intervened) I got another message from my second oldest friend in the world (she had her daughter in 2005) who said how ironic it was to receive my email when she was having such a bad day largely due to the fact that she and her husband have been struggling with secondary infertility for over 16 months now. Getting pregnant the first time around wasn't a walk in the park, but in the end, it "only" took them 8 months, and this time around has been much harder with more complications. And here I might have thought it was easy for them to get pregnant the first time and that they were simply waiting for a second child because they weren't quite ready.
I was unbelievably touched that she reached out to me in return because there is something so gratifying about being able to be there for someone else instead of always feeling like I'm the one who needs the support and as though I'm all alone. It was also the first time I really felt like people I know in real life have understood me. (Okay, so my sister has totally been understanding and my major source of support but I almost take that for granted since she's the most amazing person and that's just what she does and it's what I expect from a sibling. But she's also the only person I've really felt comfortable confiding in up until now.)
A third friend wrote to me just today to tell me that she's had two very close friends go through very different experiences with infertility and had she known she would have happily put me in touch with both of them.
Basically this experience has shown me the value of opening up and sharing this experience at least with the people I care about because when they come through, they can come through in a BIG way. And in the end, I want to keep paying it forward. The kindness and support that I've found out here in the blogosphere has given me the courage to talk about this with more people and to spread the word that none of us is ever alone.
It's time for me to get some pomegranate-colored thread.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
The hiatus is over!
Hello? If anyone is still out there, I'm still around and actually resurfacing from the first trimester morning sickness & fatigue one-two punch. It feels like I've been down and out forever. Everything is progressing nicely and the ultrasound we had last week (after two attempts at a Doppler turned up zero heartbeat) show a perfectly fine little heartbeat and tiny person with a giant head. And the icing on the cake is that at week 12, I am finally starting to feel human again. I've missed you all terribly and haven't even been able to read or keep up with your blogs but plan to do so over the next few days :)
I'm also thrilled to see that I haven't missed the book tour for Dan Savage's book The Kid. I won't technically be on the list of bloggers for the book tour, but I somehow managed to read it in the last couple of weeks and I think we're all in for a super treat when the book tour launches!
That's enough for now. I'll be taking a little time to collect my thoughts - of which I've had many varied in the past few weeks and would love to share with you all. In the meantime, thanks for the many well wishes and many more right back at you!
I'm also thrilled to see that I haven't missed the book tour for Dan Savage's book The Kid. I won't technically be on the list of bloggers for the book tour, but I somehow managed to read it in the last couple of weeks and I think we're all in for a super treat when the book tour launches!
That's enough for now. I'll be taking a little time to collect my thoughts - of which I've had many varied in the past few weeks and would love to share with you all. In the meantime, thanks for the many well wishes and many more right back at you!
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